The Fortress of Solitude

Superman Returns

2005-11-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

Greetings my suprising loyal army of cynical minions,
I must admit, after my extended absence of he last month I thought that there was no hope for a triumphant return for me, but the cynical encouragement by my cynical horde brought me out of the slump of dispare that had driven me from my fortress of solitude. Actually, it wasn't so much dispare as it was... how can I put it.... laziness. But no, even as I say that I know that deep down it wasn't just laziness, but also a fear of failure. I started to realize that my previous posts have set the bar so high for deep, meaninful, life changing epiphanies that I couldn't possibly keep up the level of quality that my loving fans have come to expect. It is a difficult burden to bear, and one that nearly drove me to lay down my sceptre of cynicism for good. Luckily several things happened to bring me back to the lonely pulpit of the fortress of solitude.
One of those things (and arguably the most exciting) is the impending release of the newest superman movie, Superman Returns. After years of being absent, Superman returns to Metropolis to find Lois Lane has moved on, and the world has learned to get along without him. Superman must find his place in this changed world. Obviously this is so similar to my situation that I couldn't help but check for tiny cameras in my apartment documenting my every move, for how could it be simply coincedence that this storyline so closely resemebles my own. Once again Superman has inspired me, by showing me that no matter how long the absence, the world needs Superman to Return. And the world needs the cynical ramblings that can only be found here in the fortress of solitude in the 780 area code. What would my cynical minions do without my disortations ont the evils of every day life that must be fought with rambling rants, overuse of commas, and poor spelng and gram'mer.? Nothing, that's what they would do. Although Lois Lane may have moved on in Supermans absence, my cynical minions have made it clear that without my leadership they are a pathetic bunch, consantly stumbling blindly through the maze of cynicism with no hope of finding the exit through which cynicism can guide them to enlightenment. So have no fear, my cynical friends. I am back, and barring another onset of remarkable laziness you will not have to wander in the wilderness anymore. I'm back.

Then, It Is War

2005-08-26T14:21:00.000-06:00

Arise my expectant army of cynical super soldiers!
This day I have been awakened to an offence against my cynical fortress that cannot, nay will not, be tolerated. My beautiful Fortress of Solitude, a bastion of cynicism in a world which gorges itself on the ridiculous trash of this ignorant cesspool we call ... uh.... something. Some foolish individual has taken it upon himself to spam the comment sections on blogs with advertisements for some moronic home loan plan. Imagine how the cynical bile rose in my throat as I saw a spam comment in my precious Fortress of Solitude. This is more than just cause for war, so austin152irvin, you had best prepare yourself, because you are about to get tattled on worse than any tattling you have ever experienced. I'm going straight to the bogspot webmaster and I am telling him exactly what you did to my precious piece of cynical heaven. It has been defiled with your putrid spam mail, and I will never, ever even consider thinking about possibly consulting you on my home loan needs. EVER! In fact, because of this flagrant disrespect for my home away from home, I will never even purchase a house. Take that austin152irvin. As you totter home, bent over from the verbal kick to the groin you just received consider this - I've only just begun. By the time my offensive against you is complete, there won't be enough left of you to feed the swarm of flies that will inevitably envelope your carcass when they smell the aroma of freshly laid crap that continuously emanates from your sorry excuse for a body. Your head will decorate my wall! Cynical horde be unleashed, find this austin152irvin and destroy! DESTROY!

Truly a Work of Art

2005-08-08T14:59:00.000-06:00

Greetings to my sycophants of cynicism,
I know that those of you reading this have come here in the hopes of being catapulted along on your journey of impertinence. Like the serfs of a kingdom, you wait expectantly along the road where your cynical king will be passing, salivating at the thought of catching a cynical morsel to feed your growing taste for acrimony. Trust me, that’s why you’re here.
Well, you won’t be disappointed, for just as the Dung Beetle must be ever vigilant in his search for fresh dung to wallow in, so I am always on the lookout for that which is in dire need of caustic derision. Indeed, I have found a target more than worthy of a moments time to dissect and spit upon: “Chicken Soup for the Soul”.
My wife and I recently made a trip down to the grand centre of Red Deer to meet with my Aunt, Uncle and my cousin, whom I have not seen for quite some time. The trip down was less than memorable in many ways, not the least of which was a flat tire just outside of Edmonton. Luckily not all my time has been spent in the Fortress of Solitude, so I have learned to change a tire. The real agony began, however, once the excursion had recovered from this momentary setback. My wife had picked up one of the many editions of “Chicken Soup for the Soul” and proceeded to read out loud some of the emotional drivel contained therein. Stories of blind kids becoming pole vaulters and soldiers who pass the test to meet their never before seen pen pal sweetheart. The stories ranged from mildly believable to unbearably absurd. Finally, with the story of the legless dog that saves an entire family from a burning house by propelling himself with his own flatulence, I could take no more. This series of books is a perfect example of how the lack of cynicism in so many individuals in our society creates circumstances in which those willing to prey on the gullible are wallowing in a veritable cornucopia of money making opportunities. Chicken Soup for the Soul, Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, Chicken Soup for the Cooked Chicken’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Gothic Soul (featuring stories of Vampires realizing that immortality sucks). Apparently every kind of Soul imaginable is covered, I’m sure as a result of the compassion and concern of the authors for all these sucke… I mean, souls. I seriously doubt that the fact that so many people will pay $20 per book to soothe their tortured souls with stories of heart-warming fiction masquerading as true accounts had anything to do with their decision to publish 50 million different varieties of this life changing book. Well, I’ve come up with my own edition called “Chicken Soup for the Cynical Soul”. I think it will feature stories much like this:

Little Billy sat patiently and expectantly in the comfortable couch of the waiting room, reading “My Favourite Puppy” from the broad selection of animal loving children’s books on the rack near the wall. This particular waiting room had obviously been decorated with great care and attention to any detail a child waiting to hear of the fate of their beloved pet could ask for. A small plastic cube with openings to crawl through and a slide to skim down sat in the corner, the aforementioned rack of books stood against the wall directly under a tv that played every Disney movie imaginable.
Billy was in the Hopeville Animal hospital, waiting to hear how his beloved pet dog was fairing in the operating room. It had been a long 2 hours so far, but Billy had no doubt that his precious Clancy would be right as rain in no time. It was appropriate that Billy was reading “My Favourite Puppy”, since Clancy was Billy’s best friend in every respect. The young boy was quite withdrawn around most people which left him with few very few friends, but Clancy was the only friend little Billy ever needed. They did everything together, and had both pulled through some seemingly perilous situations to emerge unscathed. Billy remember fondly the time that he and Clancy had been caught sneaking ripe tomatoes from the vine in the neighbours yard. Mr. Telve had been mighty angry, but together Billy and Clancy had run as fast as their little legs could carry them. If they could get through that together, then nothing could separate him from his beloved Clancy, Billy thought, not even that giant Buick that had hit Clancy on the road, or the fact that after hitting the canine the car had stopped, backed up over the dog, and run over it again. Billy smiled as he thought of the great fun that he and Clancy would have just as soon as the doctors had finished playing with him.
Just then, Billy’s daddy came running into the waiting room. Billy was puzzled, his father was wearing a bib with “Tony Roma’s” written on it, and he had bar-b-que sauce on his face. And most curiously of all, Clancy was nowhere to be seen.
“Where’s Clancy?” Billy asked, mildly confused by the situation but still with an unshakeable faith that Clancy was going to be just fine.
Billy’s dad looked slightly sheepish as he hesitantly replied, “I’m sorry Billy, but Clancy was dead before we even got him here. After we left Clancy here to be cremated your mom and sister and I went to Tony Roma’s to cheer us all up, but we forgot you here.”
Billy never fully recovered from the emotional blow of this horrifying revelation, and remains an emotional head case to this day. True story.

Ah yes, I can already feel the silky soft brush of hundred dollar bills across my palm as my hordes of cynical admirers line up to get their hands on a copy of this timeless classic. Look for it in stores near you this holiday season.

The Dawn of a New Era

2005-07-15T10:58:00.000-06:00

Salutations to my diminutive population of minions who still venture into this squalid hole of cynicism from time to time,
My postings seem to be becoming more and more infrequent, however, there is no need to despair. My cynicism continues unabated and with more than enough ignorance throughout the world to feed it like a cannibalistic ant in charge of the hatchery. I must admit, not a little of that ignorance is contributed by yours truly, although that input will be conspicuously ignored for the purposes of mockery and scorn that are predominant on this blog.
Sometimes I think of cynicism as a power source, and of the various ways of expressing it as the power tools which are powered by this cynical force of cynicism. My armada of instruments to dispense cynical justice grows daily, and I am happy to report that a new weapon in the arsenal is being developed as we speak. I recently acquired Flash MX 2004, a program that is used to create animations, games and graphic designs for web pages. Just think of the potential, no longer would my bitter harangues be limited only to text, but full motion multimedia extravaganzas of egocentric dissertations are not only possible, but well nigh inevitable. Instead of simply overusing the thesaurus to try and keep peoples attention, I could overwhelm their senses with an onslaught of cynical images, animations and even subliminal messages. Oh, my very soul quivers with anticipation at the thought of all the possible possibilities. We are at the dawn of a new age. We are about to embark on a journey that many said was impossible, or at the very least, not worth the effort. But nothing is impossible for those who look down their noses at the world, and I will make that effort to be even more of an obnoxious, arrogant, cynical jerk until the entire world bows down before me. BWAA HA HA HA HA!

Disaster has been averted

2005-06-27T15:23:00.000-06:00

Hello nearly non-existent population of loyal minions,
It’s been some time since my last post and the only explanation I can offer is that I just haven’t had many moments of cynical inspiration in the last little while. This lack of gusto to indulge in a cynical rant has left me concerned to say the least. Have I lost my cynical edge? Or has the world become less in need of cynical chastisement for anything and everything my heart desires? Is there nothing to inspire cynicism any more? Luckily two things leapt out to save me from utter cynical-less despair.
One is the opinion section in the last couple of Edmonton Journals. Once again everyone’s favourite topic of Creation vs. Evolution has come up, and everyone and their dog feels the need to throw in their two cents worth. Actually, I think if their dogs said something it would be more intelligent than half the letters that get put in. And the stupidity is, thankfully, not limited to one side or the other. Both the pro-evolutionists and the pro-creationists have written statements that elicit the same response in me as nails on a chalkboard. “Evolution is just a theory”, “Evolution is a fact”, “There is no evidence supporting Evolution”, “Religion and Science are completely separate”, and perhaps the most idiotic “Scientists around the world are abandoning the theory of Evolution”. Even the people preaching some sort of moderation between the two have had some hair raisingly moronic things to say. Let me tell you, any fears that I had that my cynicism may be ebbing were soundly put to rest as I read letter after letter drawing far reaching, absolute conclusions while presenting little or no evidence to support them. And when evidence was presented the authors acted as if one or two statements of evidence was enough to deductively conclude that their position is 100% correct; much as I am claiming all these people are idiots based on short excerpts from letters edited by the paper for length and brevity. But, this is my blog, and I can be as hypocritical and nasty as I want, and if anyone has a problem with that, I’ll simply delete their comment. Oh yeah. Wow, that actually makes me feel a surge of empowerment. It’s like candy for the soul.
The second thing that brought my cynical edge roaring back was a somewhat more light hearted article in Chuck Shepherds “News of the Weird”. It is as follows.
__________________

Recent scholarly findings (reduced to their essence in a May Wall Street Journal column): It's much easier to identify someone if he is physically near you than if he is up to 450 feet away (Psychonomic Bulletin & Review, February). People who choose their careers carefully, rather than on a whim, experience greater job satisfaction (Journal of Economic Psychology, vol. 26, no.3). College students tend to drink more alcoholic beverages than they realize (Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research, April). If patients voluntarily tell a doctor about a bad side effect of a medicine, they are more likely to be switched to a safer one than if they don't (Archives of Internal Medicine, January). [Wall Street Journal, 5-27-05]
___________________

Now that is funny stuff. I think I’m going to see if my boss will pay me to research such burning questions as:
- is it bad when buildings fall on peoples heads?
- Are Men more likely to pee standing up than Women?
- Are bald people less likely to buy hair gel than people with full, thick hair?
- Are most letters to the editor written by inbred hillbillies?
- Is this blog a cynical outlet for a nerd who hides in the electronic netherworld of the internet because he would pee himself if he ever had to actually back up what he says?
Burning questions, each of them. Only one of which is in any way related to my job, but I’m sure my boss would see the need to fund my research. I will leave you with on final question which I have already looked into, and the conclusive answer I discovered which is 100% true for all people for all time.
- If people leave some comment regarding creation vs. evolution as a comment for this post will they be thoroughly mocked and have anything they might have to say deleted from the comments? …………… Answer: Yes. Most definitely. So don’t even bother.

P.S. Although, if my mocking of you is suitably clever and makes me look good, I might leave it up simply to feed my already swollen ego. Be warned!

I'm Lovin' It

2005-06-02T13:14:00.000-06:00

Hello increasingly sparse group of cynical fans,
I was just carefully scrutinizing my McDonald's drink cup and noticed all of the fit, happy, energetic young people plastered over every spare surface. All of them are apparently "Lovin' It" as they enjoy McDonald's questionably nutritious meals and then take part in activities such as karate, gymnastics or soccer. For some reason I doubt that anyone who can do the iron cross on those gymnastics rings would be eating at McDonald's. As I observed this interesting paradox I glanced out my window at the space and science centre, and wondered what kind of exhibit they might be able to come up with that uses McDonald's as a theme. Would it be concerning the near toxic ingredients in their food, or the diabolically subtle advertisements that manipulate gullible people (such as myself) into thinking that eating at McDonald's will help one become athlete of the week? Maybe I could team up with McDonald's, using our manipulative genius together to rule the world with a cynical iron fist, made easier by the inability of the population to muster much more physical prowess then to put their Big Macs in their mouths. Colourful advertisements could give the misleading impression that the best way to enjoy life is trust no one while eating at McDonald's. I wonder what our slogan would be?
"Trust no one, eat a Big Mac"
"Just eat the Big Mac you stupid Jerk"
"Want to suck less? eat a Big Mac"
"Think critically, shut up, eat a Big Mac"
"Only mindless sheep don't eat Big Macs"
"Not eating McDonald's? Why don't you just hand the world over to the terrorists?"

If you have any suggestions for a fiendishly manipulative and clever slogan, leave a quick response to this blog. Come on you jerk, just leave a response!

How far we've fallen

2005-05-19T12:34:00.000-06:00

I recently read this news story that inspired in me such a sense of scorn and disdain that I was immediately compelled to lambaste it with a round of cynical mocking. (and by immediately I mean after I had debated whether or not I was feeling too lazy to type anything)
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Not the Hardiest of Citizens: Windsor, Ontario, hair stylist Waddah (Martin) Mustapha was awarded the equivalent of about US$270,000 by a court in April after he testified that he became racked with depression upon seeing a fly inside a commercial bottle of water at his salon. Presumably, damages would have been more if Mustapha had actually drunk from the bottle (or even opened it). As it was, he and his wife vomited, and he required extensive psychotherapy for nightmares, loss of sense of humor, increased argumentativeness, lack of desire to shower regularly, and constipation. [Windsor Star, 4-23-05] (Taken from News of the Weird edited by Chuck Shepherd)
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My question comes in two related but distinct parts. First, what has happened to the masculine world that men now feel it is appropriate to act like complete whimps for profit? What happened to teaching men that if you acknowledge any amount of weakness you will be looked down on for the rest of your days? Most men reading this can relate to having experienced some excrutiatingly painful or disturbing event and feeling, deep down, a conviction to act like "it's no big deal, I'm tough". Just lost a toe in an industrial accident? "No big deal, I'll go see a doctor after work. Maybe". Got shot in the throat playing paintball? "no problem, I've had worse". Received a steak at a restaurant that had half of a mouse imbedded in the centre? "No problem, I'll just eat around it". Have an injured limb that could progress to a life threatening condition unless you sit out the rest of the game? "No one lives forever". What happened to the macho "nothing phases me" attitude that peer pressure was supposed to drill into us growing up? Huh? WHAT HAPPENED?
Which brings me to the second part of my question. How did this guy ever survive high school given that the ostracism that would inevitably be inflicted on an individual who is scarred for life at the sight of a fly in water would probably kill someone who is scarred for life at the sight of a fly in water? Where is natural selection in the defence of the dignity and honour of being a guy? Maybe Charles Darwin decided that dignity and honour were outside the scope of work of natural selection and decided to give it some time off. Maybe the constipation this guy was experiencing was caused by his testicles crawling back inside his body, shriveling up and dieing from the shame.
Men, it's time to get back to the days of really being men. Next time you suffer an injury, stick a rock in your mouth and bite down on it rather than admit that you are actually in pain. The next time your body is racked with appendicitis and the doctor says it needs to come out, you go home and punch yourself in the stomache until your appendix knows who's boss. And the next time you see a bug of anY sort in water of any sort, be it drinking water or just a puddle, you freakin drink that water, bug and all. YAAHHH!

Self-realization

2005-05-18T13:37:00.000-06:00

Hello all. It’s been a while since my last entry, a fact that I can only attribute to lack of inspiration. Oh yeah, and final exams. Since my exams went pretty well I am embiggened (for a definition of embiggened watch more Simpsons) with a new inflated appreciation of my own intelligence. I’m just intelligent enough to be a virtual greenhouse of cynicism, but not quite intelligent enough to attain a state of self-realization that would alert me to the fact that I am a dumbass. C’est la vie.
So I was perusing the tomes of the internet looking for information on critical thinking and came across some extraordinarily exciting findings. And I do mean that these findings were beyond ordinary in their awesomeness. Apparently there is a foundation of critical thinking that puts on conferences and classes and does research into how to best incorporate critical thinking into educational curriculums. They offer some books and booklets and I almost peed my pants when I read some of the excerpts from their booklets on analytical thinking and seeing through manipulation and fallacies. It’s $48 for the entire set of 15, and it was all I could do to not order them right away. I have vowed to not make purchasing decisions in a state of euphoria, so I think I need to sleep on this. I encourage everyone to check it out. The address is www.criticalthinking.org and is most definitely worthy of attention. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my lunch break is over and I must get back to work. For some reason I’m feeling some indigestion. Wait… it’s not indigestion, it’s self realization. Excitement over booklets… peeing pants at work… ridiculous ego-maniacal ranting… I must be… awesome!

My New Best Friend

2005-04-21T20:34:00.000-06:00

For some reason I think I'm a little bit behind the learning curve when it comes to discovering awesome new stuff. It took me several years to realize that Survivor is actually kind of cool. It wasn't until the third season of the apprentice that I started to get hooked. I missed the whole first season of Extreme Home Makeover before I realized it was the second best show on earth (the first of course being Smallville, but even that I didn't realize was awesome until half way through the first season). Now, only about a hundred and fifty years behind the rest of the world, I have discovered that bikes are awesome. I actually biked somewhere today, and I have to say, it's my new favourite form of transportation. Much better than driving. There is something exhilirating and freeing about moving so quickly and efficiently under your own power. I was just, biking, all over the place. Seriously. We even got a new bike this winter, when I won it at a united way raffle. Cosmic forces have brought this bike into my life, and now they have conspired to force me to really use it for the first time by sending my wife to see her family with our car. There are a few things I'm pretty sure I'll never warm up to though. Such as: body piercings; tatoos; Motor sports of any kind; punk music; that stupid "Joey" show (which happens to be on now); that even stupider "Will and Grace" show; and many other stupid things. For updated information on what's stupid, stay tuned to this blog. And if you can think of anything stupid you would like to share with the world, leave a comment following this blog entry. (Be warned, anyone who actually reads this blog probably likes their fair share of stupid things. Like how I like Star Wars episodes 1 and 2).

Ode to an Appendix

2005-03-31T15:24:00.000-07:00

I have about thirty minutes to kill here in the computer lab, so I thought I would regale you all with the happenings of my day. I went to class. I did homework. ...... That's about it. When did my life become so boring? Oh yeah, WHEN I WENT TO FREAKIN SCHOOL!!! I only have one year left now, finally I can say that, but I don't think I'll make it. Seriously, I think my appendix will crawl out of my ear in disgust after I made it sit through so many boring lectures and homework assignments. The appendix isn't as patient an organ as everyone thinks it is. How could you just sit quietly, doing what it is appendixes do, without demanding some excitment as payment for years of unrelenting service? I have been so selfish, taken so much for granted from my appendix. Appy (that's my appendixes name), tonight I'm treating you to poutine at the RATT. Oooh, he just quivered with anticipation.

A taste of eternal damnation

2005-03-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

I've just spent the last 7 hours working on a freaking lab and my results are all screwed up so I have to basically start over. It's a lab where we have to design a simple water distribution system. Just be thankful that the water lines in your community weren't designed by me. Man, why do I go to school again? I know there is huge demand for tradespeople right now. I think I could be a pretty good welder, or carpenter. Yeah, I'd be a great carpenter. My extraordinary Christ-likeness would almost certainly extend to carpentry, as it does to every other area of my life. Anyone laughing out there better shut their face before I pray for an anvil to fall from the sky on your noggin. Name it and claim baby! Man, I think this stupid lab has driven me to insanity. I feel as though I have been been raked through the coals. Coals that are made of poorly burned crap. like when the Indians used to burn buffalo chips. That would be sweet. You know, that makes me think, if you're a dung beetle, I bet the worst thing anyone could do would be to set fire to the piece of dung you happen to be pushing around. What the crap! someone just set fire to my piece of dung! now how will I feed my family? But just then, when the jerk who set fire to your dung is walking away and laughing, a bird swoops out of the sky and craps all over you. For a dung beetle I bet that's like winning the lottery. He'd probably just start basking in the warm glowing glow of free crap, then scoop up as much as he could and run home to his waiting family. That almost brings a tear to my eye. Perhaps you have your own exciting crap story. Some time when the world was getting you down, but a fortunate event brought free crap into your life. Anyone have any stories about that? If so, take my advice, don't tell anyone. Seriously, if you were ever happy about getting crap on your shoe, or in your hair, or up your nose - your a freak. If this is true of you, you should probably start practising a fake personality right now, because you'll need it. Having a fake personality isn't that bad, take it from me. So anyway, heed my words. Don't design water distribution systems' don't take dung beetles for granted (and for goodness sake, don't burn their precious dung), and don't be afraid of being a little bit fake. Especially if your a crap loving freak.

I may regret this later

2005-03-09T18:15:00.000-07:00

Hello people who read this (or as I prefer to call you, minions in the making),
I got an interesting response to my most recent article in this Tuesday's Gateway. In response to the comment you left on my last blog Andrew, I don't usually recieve email feedback regarding my articles. Only what people tell me to my face an any letters to the editor that may be published. This last Tuesday someone from the esteemed faculty of Physical Education wrote a letter to the editor promising me physical harm at the end of a pair of forceps in retaliation for my comments regarding a physical education degree. (To really understand this blog entry you'll need to read my article, which can be accessed from the entry immediately preceding this one). Now, although I may regret this later, I am asking for feedback from all six of you who read this. I had thought that it was pretty clear that I was admitting to having sinned by looking down on other faculties, and had been moved to repentance by the article in See magazine that my article refers to. My intention was that this article made me think of two things: 1. real faith needs real doubt, and 2. it's a mistake to not acknowledge the contributions of another faculty. This person who wrote in doesn't seem to have grasped that, so I would like some feed back on the following questions that have come to mind about this incident.
1) was the article not clear that I had realized that looking down on other faculties was wrong and I was moved to repent?
2) Are the points of this phys ed student legitimate (in your opinion) or is she actually reinforcing the stereotype of the "dumb jock" by completly missing the point of the article and trying to make the point I had already made?
3) If you could be any plant, would would you be? (no carnivorous plants allowed. Only I may be a carnivorous plant)
4) Are my jokes sometimes out of line (such as the joke about the 99% of Christians in my previous blog) or does the fact that I make fun of myself at the same time make them ok?
5) on a scale of one to ten, how much better looking than Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt put together am I? (This scale is based on absolute values, so negative numbers mean nothing for those out there who might be visually impaired smart asses)

Anyway, I may regret it later, but I am asking for honest feedback. As iron sharpens Iron, so one sword cuts the meat. Or is it cuts the cheese? Or maybe just cuts one. I don't know.
P.S. here's a link to the letter to the editor I received in response to my article, I'll also repost the link to my article.
Article
P.P.S.
They don't put letters to the editor on the website, so although it pains me to do it, I'll type it out here.

Don't Spread Misconceptions Teal
I was just tossing a football around in the pavillion with some of my jock peers when I decided to flip through a copy of the Gateway. After reading the paper, I thought I would clarify Andrew Teal's misconceptions regard the faculty of education and recreation.
I was appalled to read the thoughtless opinoin of one engineer who feels as though his reputable faculty is somehow superior to the others. I certainly do not spend my time completing stress testing or calculating shear forces or load measurements, because I'm far to immersed in dissecting cadavers, testing anaerobic thresholds, learning the science of angular kinematics and studying for my neural physiology of human movement midterm. I must admit that nothing would thrill me more than the force of the heads of my metacarpals [knuckels] impacting your zygomatic arch [cheek bone]. However, the respect for my fellow students surpasses my angry ambitions to reprimand you.
Participation in post-secondary education in all it's many disciplines is a commendable achievement, and each student who has entered a faculty based on their strengths and interests is certainly admirable. It is tiresome but necessary to educate narrow minded individuals such as yourself, Mr. Teal, about the crucial role of physical activity, sport and recreation in our society. Perhaps one day I will be educating your children on the wonders of physical education and, who knows, I may even stir in your child such an appreciation for my discipline that they too will choose to enter the impressive faculty of physical education and recreation.
Katie Mahon
Phys Ed 1

Article #2 - featuring senseless rambling (and, commas ,,,)

2005-03-06T23:06:00.003-07:00

Hello all,
And by all, I of course mean all six of the people who actually read this blog. For the two people that I pay to do that, you're cheque is in the mail, I swear. Anyway, I got another article published in the Gateway, so I thought I would post the link to the electronic edition and see what people thought. I'm a little tired at the moment, so I'll have to write something suitably cynical another time. I've had some feedback questioning the one line in my article where I refer to the "self appointed leaders" of Christianity, but I stand by it. If anyone really questions this I have several groups of two words that will refute any objection: John Eldredge or Philip Johnson or Sigmund Brower (although I enjoyed his children's books "the accidental detectives"). This is just a short list of the people who have stepped forward as leaders in the evangelical community based solely on their qualifications of having a reading comprehension level and writing capability of .... uh... someone who don't write good. Which puts them above 99% of the Christian Community. Including me apparently. Especially considering I probably even spelt their names wrong. Especially Sigmund Browers. Brouers? Brouwer? I don't know. Spelt is also not a word, it's spelled. Anyway, the point is.... um...... What was my point again? I think it was that I had a crush on the "Lisa" character in "The Accidental Detectives" when I was in sixth grade. You know, the black haired one. I think her name was Lisa. Anyway, the point is, Sigmund should probably stick to writing children's books and stay away from cosmology, biology and any other science which he has decided to utterly refute based solely on his ability to solve crimes involving junior high aged kids breaking into a crazy cat ladies house. So, in conclusion, don't try and question my articles when I'm tired, or else you'll get an earful of senseless ramblings, featuring poor spelling, grammar, and overuse of commas,. So here's the link to my article. Let me know what you think.
P.S. For some reason, the link thing isn't working, you'll just have to cut and paste.
(Stop whining Andrew. I know you are!!!)
http://www.gateway.ualberta.ca/view.php?aid=4048

P.P.S.
Extreme Makeover Home Edition was really awesome this week. I'm going to send them my resume. That would be sweet (to work for the show, I mean).

Man I need to get to sleep. It's eleven freakin o'clock!

My New Favourite Show

2005-02-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

Hello all you potential minions in the blog world. If you're reading this you probably don't have much to do with your time, which makes you ripe for the picking when it comes to the kind of mind control I employ to transform you into my unholy winged monkey army of the night. Just by reading that last ridiculous sentence you have already begun the transformation. I'm enjoying the first day of my reading week, avoiding studying for my remaining midterms. I've discovered a fast way to download some of my favourite tv shows that I often don't get to see on peasant vision (not well anyway) and have found that I am completely addicted to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. The kind of mind control they exert over me makes them both my heroes and my arch nemesies (plural for nemesis). It's so cool how they design and rebuild an entire house in seven days, and I have to admit that I fall for the sob stories hook, line and sinker. I don't even care that I'm being cruelly manipulated into watching the show, it just touches my cynical heart when they show up at a deserving families door and especially when the families come home and see everything. If there is any hope for redemption from my cynicism, this show has to be it. I highly recommend anyone reading this to watch it. Heck, it would be a better use of your time than reading this garbage. Actually, I order you to watch it. You might as well get used to obeying my every whim, if you've read this far your mind is already under my control.

Important Blog

2005-02-18T14:02:00.000-07:00

My wife is the best

My First Article

2005-02-10T18:50:00.000-07:00

Hello all. WEll, I mentioned it before and now my years of hard work have finally come to fruition. And by years, I mean days. And by fruition.... I don't really know what I mean. My article has been published in the University of Alberta Newspaper, the Gateway. Long known as a bastion of the left wing, I have succesfully infiltrated it's ranks in order to take the first steps toward my ultimate plan: the complete, world wide re-introduction of the 8-track tape. We have lost so much in giving up this simple, nostalgic device and it's time to take back the innocence and wonder that is ours in the 8-track. Few people know this, but the eight tracks that the name '8-track' refers to are as follows 1)love 2) peace 3) hostess cup cakes 4) awesomeness 5) Stove Top stuffing stuffed donuts 6) gentle mockery 7) less gentle mockery, and finally 8) out right cynicism. That's right, the '8-track' was really a means of subverting the general music loving populace into outright cynicism through a subliminal 8 step process that was influenced by the 8-track tape itself. It's too complicated to get into now, but trust me. It was ingenious. So in conclusion, read my article at http://www.gateway.ualberta.ca/view.php?aid=3900.

P.S. Ironically, my exortation to more socially conservative individuals to read the newspaper was immediately followed by an issue which featured the annual "Purity Test", where people are quized on their level of sexual impurity. How Ironical.

Living the Dream

2005-01-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

Well, today I took a step closer to fulfilling my dream. My unattainable dream. Of actually being Superman. I joined the University newspaper as a columnist. Well, I guess I haven't actually joined until I've written my first article, but I went to the meeting. It was really great. For some reason I thought that the people who wrote for the Gateway would be really intimidating and aggresive in shooting down the opinions of everyone around them, but they were actually really open, accepting and honest. I found I enjoyed the meeting, and going to the campus bar afterwards. So now I'll get a chance to write a slightly more right wing viewpoint in our notoriously left wing paper. I was actually surprised that they were looking for more right wing input, but couldn't find anyone willing to write. I'm really hoping this will be a chance to encourage the Christians on campus to not just react to the occasionally objectionable articles, but actually listen to people who have a different viewpoint, and try and understand where they're coming from. I'm really looking forward to trying this out. Well Jimmy, grab your camera, there's news afoot!

Back at School

2005-01-25T14:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back at school now, putting the pedal to the metal. I find that so much homework and studying leaves me feeling quite brain fried, so I am lacking in imagination when it comes to actually posting stuff on my blog. Although last night I had a moment of cynical inspiration watching "Monday Report" on CBC. Usually CBC is such crap that it wastes even the crappiest of my time to bother watching it, but last night I happened to start watching this show, and was awarded with a moment of cynical reinforcement that has left me with a warm glow even today. The show is basically just one big long cynical joke. What could be better? The segment where Rick Mercer does his monologue in front of the moving camera was particularly good, as he mused over the fact that Canada sends 60 million a year to China as aid. China has a space program, and is usually referred to as an emerging super power. Canada: no space program, no super poweredness. If anything, we should be getting aid from them. Anyway, I also haven't done anything on my joint blog with Andrew regarding theological discussion and debate. I guess I should cruise on over and check it out before they think I've died in a fit of cynicism and give my blogging rights to someone else.

You love me, You really love me

2005-01-12T20:26:00.000-07:00

I'd like to start today with a thank you to everyone who responded to my not-so-subtle request for an ego boost. The only thing that can truly overcome my ridiculous laziness is the promise of my fragile sense of self worth being propped up (Hint: that's another not-so-subtle request for ego gratification). It was quite cold here today. It was the kind of cold that makes my legs hurt from the cold from the wind blowing right through my jeans. It's the kind of cold that makes me want to mug the people walking by for their jackets so that I might have two jackets, and they none. It's the kind of cold that makes the mucus in your nose harden to the point that it hurts if you stretch your face. It was that cold. I was thinking today, that it doesn't even really occur to me that the weather could be any different. I've lived here for so long, it seems like the idea of warm weather year round is an impossibility. I think this particular blog might be the result of my brain being frozen inside of my skull. Skull, that's a funny word. Well, I have to call my parents now and let them know that I'm not dead. I'll leave you all with this thought:
" If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let em go, cuz man, they're gone."
(definitely not plagerized from "deep thoughts" by Jack Handey)

Back Home in the Fortress of Solitude

2005-01-09T20:46:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. I was gone for quite some time for Christmas, visiting my family and my wife's family. Lot's of fun. I also finished up my Co-op job and I am starting back at school tomorrow. Without the boredom of my job to inspire useless rants I'm not sure if this blog will survive. Although it does give me a strange sense of power to be able to publish whatever I want here and no one can really responsd unless I let them. And if someone points out that I have made a fool of myself at some point, I can just edit the blog, block their comment and deny that anything happened. I can't explain why this meager amount of power appeals to me, but it does. I'm sure frustration from school will inspire more than a few rants, and there's always my budding T-shirt business. I'll leave you with my next idea for an inspiring shirt slogan: Kill a Beaver, Save a Tree. Fire an English Professor, Save a Forest.

Oh, the Ridiculousness

2004-12-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

Anyone who isn't on the up and up of fashion may not have heard of those shirts that say "Boys are dumb. Throw rocks at them." you should probably look them up so that you will understand this rant. Actually, me telling you what they say is probably sufficient. Personally, I couldn't really care less about the stupid shirt, but what really burns my potato is the inherent double standard that clearly victimizes men the world over. If men were to wear shirts that said "Girls are dumb. Throw rocks at them" we could expect to face hoards of plackard waving feminists just itching for the chance to beat the tar out of any chauvinist pig who dared to to even snicker at such a shirt, let alone buy one. And yet those same feminists applaud this T-shirt as a step towards female empowerment (well, I haven't actually heard that any of them have said this, but I'm sure they're thinking it). What is wrong with women that they actually think they can claim some sort of moral justification for wearing these shirts when every argument that they have made towards chauvinistic attitudes in men would logically apply in the same way to this situation? I think this shows that what is at the heart of feminism is not equaility or justice, but childish retaliation. Clearly this t-shirt shows this. About feminism. All feminism. From the one shirt. That's right. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to console myself by retreating to my corner office and laughing at all the women who's faces are pressed up against the glass ceiling as I dictate to my secretary this very blog, which I could easily type on my own. Maybe while I'm there, I'll come up with my own t-shirt "Women have ridiculous double standards. Ignore them"

P.S. Don't tell me wife I wrote this. She would be so mad.

The Obligatory Blog

2004-12-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything on here in a week, so I figured I should write something. For all my fans. Which I estimate at approximately 1. That being me. But I'm not even sure what to write about. Maybe the newspaper has something interesting to spark my imagination.
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Greg LeMond — The three-time winner of the Tour de France was the latest incredulous onlooker to conclude that six-time champ Lance Armstrong must be cheating. Sorry, Greg, you may be bitter that you'll never be remembered as America's greatest cyclist, but you'll have to come up with better evidence than improbable awesomeness.
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I thought this was quite hilarious. You'll have to come up with better evidence than improbable awesomeness. That sounds like something I would write. If I had something to write about. Which I obviously don't. Obviously. O-b-v-i-o-u-s-l-y. Today's my wife's last day in her University degree. I still have a year and a half. Now I'm uninspired and bitter. And I need a Coke. I wonder if I'll ever get Diabetes from all the Coke I drink. I wonder if my fingers will shrivel up and die from being forced to type such useless rambling. I will try and make a graceful exit by leaving you with one last funny news story.
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Never Give Up
(1) Jacob Hadad and his "witness," David Mullem, were charged with perjury in Long Beach, Calif., in July after they refused to budge from their testimony in Hadad's challenge to a camera-generated traffic ticket. Hadad said he was forced to run a red light because a maniacal driver was chasing him, and Mullem, his "passenger," backed him up. However, the camera revealed no car chasing Hadad and no passenger in his car. (2) Similarly, Shaun Woodhouse, caught on camera speeding in Northrop, Wales, admitted in June owning a car of the same model and color and license plate number as in the photo, but said nonetheless, "It was not my car, and it was not me driving." (He was convicted.) [Long Beach Press Telegram, 7-22-04] [Daily Post (Wales), 6-17-04]

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Hail to the Chief

2004-12-10T16:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I think of our politicians, I wonder what would happen if we actually required them to meet some sort of criteria as a condition of being elected. The sort of criteria that everyone else is required to meet. You can’t be a teacher unless you have an education degree, but you can be the minister of education without any education experience what-so-ever. You can’t be a doctor without going to med school, but you can be the minister of health with only the experience of prescribing Buckley’s to yourself for a cold. You can be the minister of Finance without having more than a high school education and experience as an auctioneer (ie. Stockwell Day). And apparently you can be Premier of Alberta with only a drawn out high school education and a couple of courses on Pinochet. I recently heard that the committee looking into the submarine fiasco has so little military knowledge that they didn’t even know that NORAD deals with air defense, and therefore has no information that would be helpful in a submarine inquiry. But don’t worry, I’m sure that they’ll get to the bottom of it. Suddenly all the ridiculous decisions and initiatives that come out of the house of commons aren’t so hard to understand. It’s easy to screw up your job when you have know idea what your doing.
In the states they recently re-elected George Bush. I know many of you are excited at this prospect, but just look at some of the fine men and women who missed out on a chance to serve their country in the oval office.
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Among the unsuccessful 2004 write-in presidential candidates (according to a November report on NJ.com): Jack Grimes of Maryland, who admires the leadership methodology of Saddam Hussein but would rely on telepathy and astrology to make tough presidential decisions; Sterling Allan of Utah, who alphabetized and then numbered every word in the Bible and said that the codes he produced told him to return the United States to the gold standard, among other insights; and Randy Crow of North Carolina, who says that despite a government-implanted chip in his brain, his administration would crush the "Omega Agency," which steals from people, which staged the Sept. 11 attacks, and which may have the ability to vaporize everyone. [NJ.com, 9-1-04]
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Maybe some of these people could come up North and run for our government. I’m sure they’d fit right in with them.
Why am I so bitter against the government? It’s simple. They are an easy target to make fun of, and technically I’m their boss.

Order in the Court

2004-12-06T16:11:00.000-07:00

Here is an article that I found particularly amusing
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· In 1999, a federal judge in Syracuse, N.Y., rejected another in a series of lawsuits by Donald Drusky of East McKeesport, Pa., in his 30-year battle against USX Corp. for ruining his life by firing him in 1968. Furthermore, Drusky sued "God ... the sovereign ruler of the universe" for taking "no corrective action" against any of Drusky's enemies and demanded that God compensate him with professional guitar-playing skills and the resurrection of his mother. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 3-15-99]
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I wonder what would happen if the court ruled in his favor? Would they garnish God’s wages until he gave the guy guitar playing skills or resurrected his mother? Would God appeal? I guess we’ll never know.

The Price of Good Chicken

2004-12-02T13:51:00.000-07:00

And now for more weird and wonderful fodder for mockery.
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Jackie Lee Shrader, 49, and his son, Harley Lee, 24, had a brief shootout with .22-caliber handguns, provoked when the pair confronted each other over how to cook skinless chicken for dinner (Bluewell, W.Va., September). And Niccolo Rossodivita, 62, shot Billy Cordova, 40, twice in the chest after Cordova followed him around their house prolonging their argument over Jesus Christ's correct name (Wasilla, Alaska, September). And Angela Morris, 19, was charged with assaulting her boyfriend by pouring boiling oil on him during an argument over a Bible verse the two had been reading together (Eugene, Ore., May). [Charleston Daily Mail-AP, 9-29-04] [Frontiersman (Wasilla), 9-27-04] [ABC News-AP, 5-20- 04]
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Now, it’s understandable to want to shoot someone in the head over skinless chicken. I mean, a lot of effort went into getting that chicken to your table, and you need to honor that effort by cooking it right. Nobody wants some crappy, dry, disgusting chicken. After a hard day of working on the farm (which I assume these two do, for obvious and horribly stereotypical reasons) you want to sit down to a good meal. Heck, I’ve been known to pull a gun on the Wendy’s server for giving me cold fries, which is a far cry from crap-baked chicken. The true humor comes in the other parts of the story, when the woman shoots the guy and when the girl pours boiling oil on her boyfriend over an argument about a biblical verse. I’m lucky that my wife isn’t like that, because otherwise I would be burned to a crisp. One thing I wonder is, why was there a pot of boiling oil on hand? Did she start it boiling when the argument started, or did she start it after the argument, then hunt him down and burn him good. Maybe they just keep hot oil around in case the situation demands it. I wonder which verse they were arguing about? Probably the Ephesians 5:22 “Wives be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior.” For some reason that always gets the chicks in a scalding kind of mood.
And why did the old woman shoot the guy for mispronouncing Jesus’ name. How hard is it to say “Jesus”. All together now, “Jeeeeee-sssuuuussss”. Hopefully that little exercise will prevent similar tragedies in the future.

Thoughts on Substitutionary Atonement

2004-12-01T10:59:00.000-07:00

My good friend Andrew raised the issue of the doctrine of substitutionary atonement on his blog the other day, and was apparently not satisfied by my response that he was going to hell for his blasphemy. Actually I said purgatory, and I was actually just kidding. I think this is an excellent question, and rather than just put a comment on his blog about it I thought I would post it here so that I can attempt to explore it a little more fully.

For this who may not be on the up and up of Christian Doctrine, Substutionary Atonement is the most commonly held viewpoint on the meaning of Jesus’ death on the cross. The Coles notes version is that basically we were the ones who belonged on the cross as a result of our sin, but Jesus took our place, taking on our sin and our punishment, so that we could be cleansed and go free. One popular analogy that is often used in church to illustrate this is the story of the Judge who finds his own daughter guilty of a traffic violation, but then steps down from the bench and writes the cheque to pay for her ticket himself. Churches almost exclusively teach this as the truth of what Jesus’ death on the cross meant to Christians, but over the years many theologians have questioned whether or not this is an accurate reflection of God’s intent.

Some of the other less well known atonement theories include the moral influence theory postulated by Abelard, a French theologian who was castrated for having a secret marriage with some head honcho’s niece or daughter or something, and the rectoral (or governmental) theory invented in the 17th century by Grotius. There are others, but each of them looks at Christ’s death on the cross and God’s intent for that event. Did God intend for Christ’s death to be a substitution for our own, or to be a moral example of the extent to which we should love God and live for him? This is an important question, which is rarely addressed in the popular Church since most pastors and Church leaders have never questioned the substitutionary atonement theory, or if they have, they haven’t talked about it with their congregations.

I think that one key point in considering this question is insuring that it is God’s intent and will that we seek to discern, and not just projecting what we want to think onto God and saying that was what God wanted. Just because we don’t like the thought of God demanding the death of an innocent man to satisfy his need for justice doesn’t mean it isn’t true, it just means we don’t like it. Conversely, just because substitutionary atonement is what our pastors have always taught us doesn’t mean it’s true (Cynical interlude: Half the time, if Christian leaders teach something, it’s a pretty good sign it’s not true. End Cynical interlude). Determining anyone’s true intent is not easy, and requires a broad base of evidence, so we cannot simply take one or two versed from the bible and say that they deductively justify our outlook, as many Christians do when they defend any theological viewpoint. At the same time, the most reliable evidence that we have available to us concerning God’s will and intent is the Bible.

Based on a broad base of biblical passages, I must admit that the substitutionary atonement theory is the one I would tend to lean towards. I’m certainly open to re-examining this viewpoint (and almost want to believe something more heretical just to be a rebel, ‘cuz I am such a rebel), but I do think the evidence seems to point in this direction. I think there are three things that point towards substitutionary atonement, and I would be interested in hearing peoples thoughts on this defense (just be nice Andrew and Anthony, even cynical feelings can be crushed. I am a delicate emotional flower)

First, the example in the old testament of the Mosaic Law. In Galatians, Paul describes the Mosaic Law as a disciplinarian which was instituted because of our transgressions until the promise made to Abraham was fulfilled in Christ. Now, I want to be clear on what is fact and what is my interpretation. I think it is fact (assuming the inspiration and accuracy of the Bible) that the Mosaic Law was instituted by God. I think it is fact that God called on the Israelites to sacrifice the best of their animals as an atonement for their sin. Anything beyond that I think is interpretation and inductive reasoning (I just say this so that I don’t commit the fallacy of appealing to a higher authority). The story of the Passover is a perfect example, in which the tenth plague would pass over the Israelites if they had the blood of the lamb smeared on their door. From this I think we can safely say that God saw the death of an animal sacrifice as atonement for the sins of people, and that their punishment for sin was satisfied in this sacrifice. Some might argue that it wasn’t so much the death of the animal as the material sacrifice for the people of the day to give up an animal, especially the best of their animals as God demanded. From the evidence at hand, I don’t think there is sufficient cause to say that this is the case, although it is a possibility to consider. However, if God was just interested in material sacrifice he could have just as easily asked for money, since money was prevalent enough in their society that it would have been possible to offer material sacrifice without a loss of life. My conclusion from the Old Testament – God considered shedding of blood to be a satisfactory means of atonement, and that it was the spilling of blood that bought that atonement.

Secondly, which follows from the first point, Jesus is often referred to as the Lamb of God in various places in the bible. Revelation is a perfect example of viewing Christ as the slain lamb. Now, I don’t think it’s fair to say that the fact that Christ was called the Lamb of God deductively proves that he was a substitution for us, but taking into consideration the Passover, I think that this inductively suggests that Christ was to play the same role for Christians that the Passover Lamb played for the Israelites. Many times in Church pastors will treat this line of thinking as purely deductive, meaning that the conclusion that Christ was a substitution necessarily follows from the fact that he was called the lamb of God, which I don’t think is fair. It is an inductive inference, but I feel a fairly solid one. Since it was the death and blood of the lamb that was necessary for safety from God’s wrath in the Passover, I feel it is fair to say that Christ’s parallel as the Lamb of God would mean that his death and blood were necessary to save humanity from God’s wrath.

Thirdly, in the New Testament Paul makes it very clear that it is through Christ that we have been brought into God’s people (Ephesians, Galatians, Romans, and more) and that he was handed over to death for our trespasses and resurrected so to defeat death. It seems that both implicitly and explicitly, Paul affirms that Christ’s death on the cross is not only the means by which we have been saved, but was a necessary means intended by God.

To me it seems that Bible shows a history of spilled blood purchasing atonement for sins, the Passover lamb was an analogy of Jesus sacrifice for humanity, and the Biblical authors viewed Christs death as the atonement for our sins. From these points it would seem that the theory of substitutionary atonement is accurate. Whether or not that makes God cruel or murderous is a separate issue.

I would be interested in hearing what people think about what I’ve said. Do you think this line of reasoning is valid? Does anyone see significant holes in my reasoning, or am I making any logical leaps that are unjustified? I’d like to know what the authors you read about Andrew have to say regarding these issues.

All right, I’ve written enough now. That will teach everyone a lesson about asking or my opinion. I applaud anyone who actually read through all this without getting bored to tears. For anyone who did, let me know what you think.

We Are But a Breathe.....

2004-12-01T10:57:00.000-07:00

This next story made me think some deep thoughts
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KENT, Wash. - A man who placed a lava lamp on a hot stovetop was killed when it exploded and sent a shard of glass into his heart, police said.
Philip Quinn, 24, was found dead in his trailer home Sunday night by his parents.
“Why on earth he was heating a lava lamp on the stove, we don’t know,” Kent Police spokesman Paul Petersen said Monday.
A lava lamp features blobs of wax in liquid that rise and fall in a container when heated by a bulb at the base of the lamp.
After the lamp exploded, Quinn apparently stumbled into his bedroom, where he died Sunday afternoon, authorities said.
Police found no evidence of drug or alcohol use.
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Man, I guess you never know when your time is up. Can you imagine losing someone you care about to something as senseless as this? Sometimes I find when I’m driving to work that I start to think about how fragile life really is. If I were to turn the wheel 5 degrees to the left, I would end up dead. Every time I go through an intersection, all it would take is one person running a red light to end my life. And these sorts of things happen every day, as this article shows. It’s easy to just shrug off other people being run down in crosswalks or broadsided in an intersection, thinking it will never happen to me. But I bet this guy never thought his life would be ended by a freaking lava lamp. I wonder what he was thinking as he stumbled into his bedroom where he died. You know when you’ve done something dumb that ends with your finger being cut (or in my case broken- incident years ago) and you have that feeling like “if only I hadn’t done that”? I wonder if that’s how he felt. I guess we’ll never know.

The Icy Chill of Indifference

2004-11-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

The following news article sent shivers of cynicism down my spine.
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· In 1999, a federal judge in Syracuse, N.Y., rejected another in a series of lawsuits by Donald Drusky of East McKeesport, Pa., in his 30-year battle against USX Corp. for ruining his life by firing him in 1968. Furthermore, Drusky sued "God ... the sovereign ruler of the universe" for taking "no corrective action" against any of Drusky's enemies and demanded that God compensate him with professional guitar-playing skills and the resurrection of his mother. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 3-15-99]
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This has got to be a joke. Even in all my cynicism, I can’t t accept that anyone could possibly do this in any kind of serious way. Although it does make me think about real circumstances where people feel that God owes them something, or that God has somehow failed if he doesn’t respond to a person's every whim. We can all be thankful that he doesn’t, because if God responded to my every whim the earth would be encircled with my incredible spy satellites that beam cynicism rays down a the earth, activating the cynicism gene that is present in everyone but only fully harnessed by a few exceptional individuals, such as myself.
That’s all I’ve got for today. No one was even interested in my last “You be the cynical Jury” blog, so I’m going to go pout now. Maybe instead of cynicism rays, I’ll program my satellite to beam puke rays at people to get back at the world for it’s apparent indifference to me. Anyone who watches the Simpsons regularly will know the horrifying (and hilarious) effects of puke rays. The rest of you can probably figure it out. It’s not that hard. The name really speaks for itself. So just read the name. If you can’t read, have someone read it to you. And this. Go away.

You be the Cynical Jury 2

2004-11-24T16:04:00.000-07:00

Today I managed to find another one of these collections of strange news stories that challenges the reader to employ their cynical sense to figure out which story is false. And as all the world knows, there is no one as cynical as yours truly. So here we go….
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Almost All True
Three of these four things really happened, just recently. Are you cynical enough to figure out the made-up story? (a) A high school principal in Boston was admonished by the school board for trying to shut down football practice as violating the school's new "zero tolerance" rule for violence. (b) Hong Kong's mainstream press reported that a lonely widower in Beijing was found to have, as "pets," 200,000 cockroaches in his home. (c) A 17-year-old boy in New Haven, Conn., arranged for a friend to shoot him in the leg, later explaining that he didn't want to be sent to Iraq and thus was scheming to avoid the "draft." (d) A 47-year-old woman in Lumberton, N.C., was charged with animal cruelty for giving pap smears to her Boston terrier.
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Let’s examine them individually so that we may thoroughly bring our cynicism to bear on this problem.

(a) A high school principal in Boston was admonished by the school board for trying to shut down football practice as violating the school's new "zero tolerance" rule for violence.

This story is almost as much of a groaner as the story of the kid in Ontario who got suspended for sexual harassment for hugging his kindergarten classmates. I would have normally thought that this kind of stupidity would be exhibited by the football players rather than the principal (I was a high school football player, and although we are very cynical, as a group we aren’t very intelligent). Actually, that would have been an interesting showdown to see, since High school coaches tend to not be the brightest bulbs in the box. It always makes me shudder when I hear that while I was in my calculus class or structural design lab, they were learning children’s games in the court yard, by playing them. And they get a degree for this. Now that arouses the cynicism. I just get so cynical thinking about them playing tag in quad while I slave away at second order differential equations that I’ve lost focus of the issue in the story. I don’t really care whether it’s true or not, I just want to get back at those phys ed students!

(b) Hong Kong's mainstream press reported that a lonely widower in Beijing was found to have, as "pets," 200,000 cockroaches in his home.

That’s a crapload of cockroaches. Let’s think about that for a moment. A cockroach is approximately 32mm long, and not very thick. Let’s say that a cockroach takes up 160 cubic millimeters of space (based on an estimate of 32mm length and 5 mm thick). That’s .16 cubic centimeters. Now, let’s multiply that by 200,000 to get 32,000 cubic centimeters, or 0.032 cubic meters. Hmmm, actually that’s not that much. I guess you could fit 200,000 cockroaches into an apartment. But man, they must be crawling all over the place. In her shoes, her cupboards, all over her toothbrush, in her socks. How could any person stand that? Did her husband die of exasperation from being married to such a crackpot? I bet her skill at cynicism is lackluster at best. I find this one hard to believe. I mean seriously, all over her toothbrush? And she’s ok with this? And her neighbors haven’t strung her up by her toes? I don’t think so. Bring on the next one.

(c) A 17-year-old boy in New Haven, Conn., arranged for a friend to shoot him in the leg, later explaining that he didn't want to be sent to Iraq and thus was scheming to avoid the "draft."

Don’t you have to be 18 to be eligible for a draft anyway? Why not wait until the draft had actually taken place, so that the wound wouldn’t heal in time to still be eligible. What kind of a place is this New Haven anyway? I think the American government needs to “draft” kids like this into a boot camp where they drill common sense into you (and of course cynicism). They could get kids up at 5 every morning and force them to watch televised proceedings of congress until they get so overloaded with idiocy that they embrace common sense (and cynicism) as a way of life. Kind of like when you make kids smoke cigarettes until they’re sick so that they won’t smoke when they’re older. It’s called building a negative association. And come to think of it, it rarely works. So really, doing this to stupid kids would only be cruel and unusual punishment and probably only make them dumber. Why do I find that so amusing?

(d) A 47-year-old woman in Lumberton, N.C., was charged with animal cruelty for giving pap smears to her Boston terrier.

So I know in theory what a pap smear is, but why is it considered cruelty to do it to an animal when we prescribe them to humans. And what was the purpose of this woman’s unusual medical endeavor? Was she trying to make sure her dog didn’t have cervical cancer? That seems not cruel to me. Unless her dog was really stupid, which most dogs are, in which case preventing its death would be cruel to everyone around it. So was the charge then on behalf of the dog, or on behalf of the rest of the world that had to endure the dog’s stupidity? If keeping stupid dogs alive is cruel, I wonder if vets will have to start administering IQ tests to dogs before doing any work on them?

Dog Owner: Doctor, please help my doggie!

Vet: Sorry Miss, but your dog has an IQ below 40 on the canine scale. Looks like it would be an act of cruelty to remove that steak knife he swallowed.

Dog Owner: I understand.

So there you have it. After careful consideration, I would have to put my money on b), the cockroach one. Think it over and decide for yourself, just don’t forget to put your cynicism to good use in discerning the answer. Without the cynicism it’s just, well, not cynical.

The Cynical Arsenal

2004-11-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

I find that writing this Blog has made me look at the world in a whole new way. Events that before would have passed by unnoticed I now see as an opportunity to share with the people, and twist to suit my own purposes of indoctrinating people with cynicism. Right now, from what I can tell, only four people read this Blog (including my wife, because I force her to) but one day my sphere of influence will grow. How could it not, with my biting wit and keen insight. When that time comes I will need to be ready to bring people under my control, foster an ingenious sense of cynicism in them, and then send them off to “multiply” this characteristic in others. Within two decades I can influence the entire world into looking at everything through the rosy window of cynicism. With this goal in mind, I always keep an eye open for new techniques of manipulation and mind control which will aid me in attaining this lofty ambition, and recently I found a perfect tool to add to my arsenal. The following cartoon inspired me, and has left me plotting for hours about how to use this principle for my own fiendish purposes.

I found this cartoon quite amusing. The comment from the boss is so loaded that the poor woman has not choice but to sit and take it, lest she confirm his absurd objections. Oh, the beauty of such a simple and yet fiendish means of manipulation. Much like the cartoon, I find that people who lack anything resembling intelligence are frequently arguing with their cynical betters about how cynicism is mean and destructive. It’s also interesting to note the lack of humor apparent in people when they become offended at good natured cynical banter. Just looking at those last few sentences makes me smile like the Cheshire Cat. They are so loaded and manipulative. So downright mean spirited and cruel. So ignorant and yet difficult to argue against without making it look like you’ve confirmed the claims of the person stating them. Oh yes, the arsenal grows.

Horrible, Horrible Confirmation

2004-11-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

Some sort of cosmic cynical forces must have come together after my last Blog to confirm all that I said yesterday. If you haven’t ready yesterdays Blog, I suggest you read that first before continuing. Today as I was looking through the paper I came across a very thought provoking story concerning everyone’s favorite Canadian right wing Christian fundamentalist, Stockwell Day. And by thought provoking I of course mean cynicism provoking. Oh how it was provoked. See for yourself.
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Day hints AIDS behind Arafat snub
OTTAWA / Conservative foreign affairs critic Stockwell Day has hinted at the reason for his decision not to offer condolences on the death of Yasser Arafat through an e-mail which contains an article suggesting the Palestinian leader was an AIDS sufferer and closet homosexual.
In the e-mail, sent to all Tory constituency associations, MPs and staffers on Nov. 16, Day refers to an article written by Washington-based political commentator David Frum.
The article, written for the National Review Online, is a caustic critique of Arafat which overtly suggests he suffered from AIDS, which is why he was airlifted to a military hospital in France before his death.
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( this is a link to the article referred to above http://www.frontpagemag.com/Articles/ReadArticle.asp?ID=15801 and here is some info on the author of the article http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Frum)

So apparently Stockwell decided based on this one article by a well known ultra right wing journalist in the States that Yassar Arafat was a raging homosexual dying of AIDS, and therefore not worthy of compassion. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not particularly a fan of Yassar Arafat. I tend to believe that he was the scheming, manipulative, corrupt, murdering terrorist that some people say he is. I wouldn’t bet the farm on it, not having met him personally and not being able to check out the so called ‘facts’ myself, but from what I do know this characterization doesn’t seem to be too much of a stretch. But Stockwell felt that the real crime, the true reason for spurning the Palestinian community in their hour of grief, was not murder, not corruption, not terrorism or war mongering. Oh no, it was that most heinous of crimes: homosexuality. Now, at the risk of being unpopular, I must make it clear that I do not support homosexuality as a morally acceptable sexual orientation. I do believe that it is contrary to the way in which God has created us, and I do believe that living this kind of lifestyle is spiritually harmful. I don’t in any way say that to hurt anyone or condemn, but I do want to be clear on where I stand. But I also think there are a lot of things that God disapproves of that are present in my life and the life of every other Christian at one time or another. I get angry a lot. I sometimes covet other peoples possessions (like a DLP projector, or a car that isn’t a crap bucket). Sometimes I am extraordinarily selfish, or thoughtless. Sometimes I am incredibly lazy. All these things are actions, and in a sense orientations of my personality, that are contrary to what I believe God’s will to be for my life. Does that mean, therefore, that since I struggle with these sins every day, that when I die Christians will refuse to offer my family condolesences because “he was a sinful man”? Do these struggles disqualify me from compassion and acceptance as a human being, even if those actions and feelings that I succumb to at various times are unacceptable? Would I be unworthy of compassion if I chose to just accept those things in my life instead of fighting them in God’s strength? If I lived a lifestyle of selfishness I might have very few people shedding a tear at my funeral, but I doubt anyone would claim that this sin makes me unworthy of compassion. So why then do Christians seem to feel that their own sins of lust, jealousy, anger, betrayal, ignorance and a host of others are understandable and human, but homosexuality somehow makes someone less than human, less than deserving of the compassion we would offer to anyone else? In this instance of Yassar Arafat, why oh why would someone withhold compassion based on a rumor of sexuality, and seemingly ignore the terrorism, murder, theft and corruption that marked the individuals life? This truly boggles even the most cynical of minds. My mind is so boggled I will just leave this right here. I’m interested to hear what people think about this one. I have a feeling just about everyone will be unhappy in some way with what I’ve said, but sometimes a cynical man’s gotta do what a cynical man’s gotta do.

Recipe for Cynicism

2004-11-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

You know, I think the best thing about the internet is the opportunity to hear about strange and well, stupid, things that foster the old cynicism nicely. Like a turkey slowly roasting in the oven in preparation for a festive thanksgiving dinner, my cynicism comes closer and closer to perfection every time I read about the perplexing things people do or think. And for some reason, reading about the things Christians say is like lovingly basting that cynicism turkey in the oven. Anyone who has read or heard quotes from the likes of Pat Robertson, Benny Hinn or Jack Van Impe will know what I’m talking about. Now, I realize that every community has people like this. The Gay and Lesbian Community has Svend Robinson, Basketball had Dennis Rodman, those people over there have that one guy. I could go on and on. This next article features some interesting thoughts from two individuals regarding the effects of homosexuality on society. Now, I must admit, that when I first read through it, I assumed the two individuals speaking were Christian, simply from their viewpoints, and the way in which they were defended. Perhaps it’s just my oven roasted cynicism, or maybe you’ll agree. You decide.
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Let's Play "Guess the Explanation"
(1) House of Lords member Norman Tebbit told a radio interviewer in May that homosexuality in Britain is "intimately connected" to the rise in obesity. (His explanation: The breakdown of the family means fewer family meals and more fast-food meals.) (2) Florida state legislative candidate Ed Heeney told a Palm Beach County political meeting in May that homosexuality has made it difficult for him to enjoy his pastime of billiards. (His explanation: "(Y)ou have a situation where the lesbian community is buying restaurants and bars (and, presumably, removing the pool tables).") [The Mirror (London), 5-28-04] [South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 5-15-04]
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I found this quite amusing. In the first statement I found it interesting that a Brit would blame obesity on the homosexuals while ignoring the fact that every stinking thing in Britain is fried (I’m of British descent and still have family there, so I’ve experienced it first hand). Breakfasts of fried eggs, fried bacon and even fried bread followed by a lunch of deep fried fish and chips, a tea time of beef Wellington and gravy, and finally supper of fried mutton, fried potatoes and (once again) gravy have nothing to do with it. And to top it all off, those lesbians keep taking our pool tables! We simply can’t stand for any more of this! Christians of the world unite! Forget about useless causes like genocide in Sudan, war in Iraq, nuclear armament in Iran. Your prayers are needed to fight the evils of homosexually induced obesity, and Lesbian snooker sabotage. Those calls to action must be extremely effective, since I’ve seen far more action from churches and individual Christians fighting and praying against gay marriage than I have ever seen from the Church to help those in Sudan, or pray against war and nuclear armament. I guess you just have to prioritize. Or I should say, recognize Gods priorities, which is obviously our forte as Christians. Ah yes, a beautiful, glowing golden brown.

Sleeping Beauty

2004-11-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

My wife is sick this weekend, and sleeping on the couch. She is an absolutely incredible woman. She is teaching right now to finish up her university degree, she works part time as a life guard, and to top it all off, she puts up with my cynical rambling. That would be enough to kill most people, but my wife is an exceptional person, who's strength is only matched by her beauty. Our relationship is kind of like Shrek, except she hasn't turned into an ogre yet, and I would rather eat a donkey than have to acknowledge its existence. Even if it could talk.

I typed 'cynical inspiration' into Yahoo, and came up with a website that had emoticons for different cynical emotions. Here are some of the best.

I love how genius and insanity look exactly the same in these ones. Who was it that said there is a thin line between genius and insanity? Someone. I guess. Apparently I am not on the genius side of that line. Although, genius is a relative term. Maybe I should start hanging around 5 year olds.

These two also amuse me, for obvious reasons.
Well, that's all for this week, being the weekend and all I have much better things to do. I leave you with one more, that I think speaks for itself.

A Not So Beatiful Mind

2004-11-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

Ah, the sweet smell of solitude in the fortress of solitude. Today I just have a short experience to share, which came from a shockwave video game that I encourage you to try. It’s called Mad Shark, and it is really awesome. You play as this shark that has had experiments performed on it, but it escapes so the scientists are chasing after it with scuba tanks and knives. As the shark, you have to get away from a vicious stabbing by the scientists, and eat anyone who gets in your way. It’s really cool, you just swim along and chomp on the divers. And if you don’t quite ingest their whole bodies, their torso will keep trying to stab you. It’s hilarious. Just follow this link http://www.shockwave.com/sw/content/madshark. It’s worth checking out. Which makes me wonder, what is it about senseless violence in video games that is so amusing? I certainly don’t find any amusement at the thought of actual violence against anyone, but for some reason in cartoons and video games it is hilarious. One particular amusing incident I can think of occurred during an episode of that bastion of humor, The Simpsons. It’s the one where Bart invents the comic ‘angry dad’ and he just draws comics of stupid things Homer has done. When Bart comes up with the idea Homer is stuck in a lawn chair, and tries to take revenge on the chair by lighting it on fire, while stile entangled in it. His shrieks of pain as he inadvertently lights himself on fire are gut wrenchingly hilarious. Later in that episode, Marge accuses him of having an anger management problem, which he vehemently denies. But Marge points out that he is punching the cat in the stomach as they are talking and he’s not even aware of it. He starts to protest, but then notices that he is, in fact, punching the cat without even being aware of his actions. I laughed so hard at that one I think I caused some sort of aneurysm somewhere in my body. Now, don’t think I’m some sort of cat hating monster. I would never find such treatment of our furry feline friends amusing normally, but for some reason when it's animated, it makes me crap my pants with amusement. Similarly with the Shark game. I find it hilarious when you bite off the legs of one of the divers and he keeps trying to stab you as he sinks. I’ll leave whoever reads this to try out the game for themselves as I head back to Metropolis to seek out the help of a licensed psychiatrist.

You be the Cynical Jury

2004-11-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

Today I found an interesting article on a website that must have been meant for me. The author explicitly challenges the reader to bring their powers of cynicism to bear on these four stories and try and discern which one is not true (meaning three out of four are true). Read along with me as I jump into a phone booth and prepare myself for an awesome display of cynicism. Here is the article:
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Almost All True
Three of these four things really happened, just recently. Are you cynical enough to figure out the made-up story? (a) The government of Vietnam is said to be moving to lethal injection for capital punishment because its firing squads, populated with volunteers, too often nervously miss. (b) An airplane hangar in a Los Angeles suburb was found filled with bags of empty soda cans, to a height of 10 feet, with police believing a gang has been stealing cans from homeless people. (c) A California county is systematically ticketing drivers who appear to be high only on kava herbal tea. (d) A Missouri man fled a court hearing on an animal abuse charge but was captured a few minutes later hiding in a doghouse
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Let’s address these stories one at a time, systematically bringing my superhuman cynicism to bear on this humorous exercise.

(a) The government of Vietnam is said to be moving to lethal injection for capital punishment because its firing squads, populated with volunteers, too often nervously miss.

This is an interesting story, just strange enough to be true. It does make one wonder though, why would anyone volunteer to be a part of a firing squad if they were too nervous to actually do the deed. And perhaps more pertinently, why would anyone volunteer to be a part of a firing squad? It seems surreal that anyone would volunteer to shoot a complete stranger just for the heck of it. Once in a while you’ll hear of some nut going postal and shooting strangers, but it is disturbing that once the legal repercussions of that kind of act are removed, they have enough volunteers to supply the legal system with an execution system, although an incompetent one. Maybe they should have practiced on dogs first. Anyway, on to the next.

(b) An airplane hangar in a Los Angeles suburb was found filled with bags of empty soda cans, to a height of 10 feet, with police believing a gang has been stealing cans from homeless people.

This story strikes me as very strange, and most suspect to be the false story. For one thing, most suburbs I know of don’t really have much of a homeless problem. It seems the homeless invariably gravitate to down town cores, perhaps out of fondness for skyscrapers and pavement. Seriously, I have often wondered why homeless people always end up in the downtown areas of any city. The suburbs are much nicer, with many more parks to sleep in or trees to lie under. In stark contrast, the downtown areas of any city seem cold and hard. Concrete everywhere, towering skyscrapers obscuring the skyline. Rude people in suits acting like jerks as they hurry along to their jobs which they feel give enough importance that they can look down on anyone around them, even though many of them are bean counters or paper pushers. As a paper pusher myself, I can attest to the fact that downtown type office workers treat people around them like crap because their jobs suck and they have no importance. And they know it. But I digress. According to this story there is a suburb of L.A. with enough homeless people (and pop and beer consumption) to collect enough cans to fill an aircraft hanger with cans. And not only are there enough homeless people around to steal from that they can get this many cans, they also are able to transport them, and have little desire to actually redeem them at a recycling depot. That’s a lot of trouble to go to when all those cans would only be worth a few thousand dollars. I can’t say it enough people, give up on the blue collar smash and grab crime. White collar crime is where it’s at. Bring on the next scenario, I can feel my cynicism really getting warmed up.

(c) A California county is systematically ticketing drivers who appear to be high only on kava herbal tea.

My cynical flow has ebbed somewhat as I ponder the question, “what the crap is kava herbal tea?”. Is it really so sinister that it warrants the attention of this California County police force? Actually, when I think about it, in the states small towns and counties often have an elected sheriff. I can just see the current Sheriff’s platform.

Sheriff guy: “Elect me and I will rid the County of the evils of kava herbal tea.”

Voter: “Question. What will you do about the rampant racism and shooting of minorities that seems to be a daily occurrence in California?”

Sheriff guy: “ Come over here within reach of my baton and ask that again.”

I’m pretty sure that’s more or less how it went. I wonder how much time and energy has gone into persecuting these fowl and loathsome abusers of kava herbal tea. Maybe knowledge of these sinister happenings right within the borders of the United States should provoke an increase in the terror alert level. I don’t know about this story, it’s so dumb it could be true. I think my money is still on the homeless can stash. Bring on the next contestant.

(d) A Missouri man fled a court hearing on an animal abuse charge but was captured a few minutes later hiding in a doghouse

This story isn’t really that remarkable, or funny. Who cares that he was found in a doghouse? I understand the irony, accused of cruelty to animals, then captured in a doghouse, but really, how ironic is that? It would be far more ironic (and amusing) if he had been found in the doghouse while a dog abused him, perhaps by whipping him with a bone in a sock. The fact that he was in a doghouse just isn’t enough irony, I want to see the full circle irony of the dog beating the crap out this guy. It would be even better if he’s crying and begging for mercy. You see, you just need that extra level of irony for this to be funny. Without it, he’s just some guy in a box. This story is probably true, because if it had been made up, they would have recognized the need for this extra level of irony. Sure, it would have made the story completely unbelievable, but do you want probable or hilarious? Trust me, go with hilarious every time. So there you have it, you must decide which story is made up, and which three are true. My cynical super senses tell me it’s the homeless can story, but you must decide for yourself. I will look up the answer and post it in the comments if anyone actually read this and is interested. Have fun.

Duty Calls

2004-11-17T14:58:00.000-07:00

It doesn’t take long flipping through the paper to find another target worthy of a cynical harangue. I had actually decided that today my blog might be a little more positive, since my good friend Gadget Legs has had a bit of a rough week, and because I had poked fun at her for her usual pep. Maybe, I reflected, I should seek to be more positive in my ramblings, instead of dragging down sunny souls such as Gadget Legs into the pit of cynicism. That train of thought came to a screeching halt, however, when I read the front page of the Edmonton Journal and read an article about a woman who believed that the Virgin Mary had blessed her by causing her image (that is the Virgin Mary’s) to appear on a grilled cheese sandwich. Apparently, the woman was innocently cooking up a grilled cheese sandwich one day years ago, when she noticed that the browned pattern on the face of the sandwich resembled the face of a woman. How she decided that this must be the Virgin Mary I don’t know, but she insists it is none other than the mother of Christ. Of course the woman thought that there was more than enough reason to believe that this sandwich was a blessing from God, and when she shared her evidence for this I literally fell to the floor in my office and rolled on the floor screaming in a fit of cynical hysteria. Evidently the woman is convinced that the grilled cheese sandwich is blessed by God because ever since she made it and preserved it in a transparent plastic box, she has been doing very well at the casino. This woman feels she knows God has given her a blessed sandwich because it looks like there’s a woman’s face on it and she is a successful gambler. I am at a loss for words. I feel the cynicism well up inside of me, wanting to escape in an explosion of witty remarks, but I just can’t seem to think of anything that does justice to such an absurdity. Unfortunately you have to be an Edmonton Journal Subscriber in order to see it for yourself, but trust me when I say it boggles the mind. I had actually intended to write a sweet and wholesome tale of my trip on the bus yesterday, and the small child that captivated and soothed everyone fortunate enough to be seated around him. But when I saw this story in the paper, I knew I was needed, and faster than a speeding cynicism bullet, I leaped into action. Sometimes, no matter how much we want to think about little kids trying to say ‘bus’ and ‘train’, duty calls.

Love those Letters to the Editor

2004-11-16T15:03:00.000-07:00

Whenever I read the paper I always seem to gravitate to the letters to the editor page. It's kind of strange really, because often I find myself somewhat frustrated by the way people express their opinions. It seems like everyone is convinced that what they think is objectively true and morally right simply based on the fact that that's what they think. Don't get me wrong, everyone is certainly entitle to their opinion, I just find I really appreciate people who are willing to state their opinion, give logical and well thought out reasons as to why they feel that their position is justified, and then are willing to listen to what other people have to say. I guess you also have to distinguish between an opinion on subjective preferences and opinions on truth claims. You can't really question anyones opinion on what their favourite color is, but I think you can legitimately question their opinion on whether or not the moon is made of cheese. Anyone can have the opinion that the moon is made of cheese, I certainly wouldn't question their right to have this opinion. But I would question whether or not it is likely that the truth claim on which this opinion is based is accurate. I recently read one letter in which a writer shared an incident that occured in Edmonton at city hall, outside on the lawn. Apparently a care giver for a severly handicapped person was sitting on the lawn with the person she cares for, and they were accompanied by another care giver and the person she serves. The two people who received the care were both in wheelchairs. The writer shares that someone came up to them and started yelling at them because they had taken the wheelchairs on the lawn, and were thus ruining the grass. The lawn near city hall is open for anyone to use, and the person protesting their use of it was not a city employee caring for the lawn, just some person who felt the need to attack this group of people. The verbal attack continued with the person claiming that the people in the wheelchairs were too badly handicapped to care where they were anyway. The caregiver protested to this outrageous statement only to here that oh so over used retort, "I am entitled to my opinion." I found myself getting fairly frustrated reading this article. I can only imagine how the group of four must have felt sitting there on the grass and receiving this attack. This person is certainly entitled to their opinion, but a statement regarding an individuals cognitive function and awareness of their surroundings is not a statement of opinion, but a statement of a truth claim. This women was implicitly saying that it was objectively true that these people did not posses the cognitive ability necessary to enjoy sitting on the lawn, and therefore should not be allowed to do so. It was not simply a statement about whether they liked the people being on the lawn or not. So when the letters to the editor are filled with stories like this, that just make my blood boil and raise the desire to become a ruthless vigilante, one might wonder why I keep going to the letters before even the comics. I guess for the same reason that people just can't resist slowing down to stare at a car accident.

Coffe Break Musings

2004-11-15T11:25:00.000-07:00

Greetings all. And by all I of course mean the 1 or possibly 2 people who might actually read this. It's kind of interesting writing on something like this as if it is a public declaration of my thoughts, but realizing that really not many people will read it. Except of course those people I tell to read it, but they already know my thoughts anyway. And yet, it does feel almost therapeutic writing out these senseless ramblings. Lately my thoughts have turned a great deal towards my role in Christian Ministry and how I can best spend my time in serving God and the people around me. I have come to realize that much of what I have been taught in the past concerning what God wants me to do with my time and what pleases him has been well intentioned rhetoric at best and downright manipulation at worst. If I were to believe what I have often been told in the organization I currently work with, God is pleased any time I randomnly target some lonely person who is sitting quietly by themselves, and Satan laughs every time I think to myself "Perhaps it will do more harm then good to bother them". I find that past experience and conversations with those who would be viewed as potential evangelism targets has lead me to consider the possibility that many of the Christian Churches methods of reaching out to people actually cause more harm than good. Perhaps the negative reaction we often experience is not the work of Satan as many claim, but the natural effects of our complete disconnect from the culture that surrounds us, and our complete lack of anything resembling common sense. Perhaps it isn't Satan whispering in their ear that causes them to be annoyed when well intentioned people approach someone sitting quietly in our Student Union building, but just maybe, like myself, they appreciate quiet time alone. And perhaps, like myself, they see this kind of approach as confirmation of many of the negative stereotypes of Christians that are all too common. Is this really what God wants? Are we really standing up for what is right when we do this? Are my questions the result of a lack of faith, or shame regarding my faith, or are they closer to the truth of what God wants and how to best share him with others than many Christian leaders would have us believe? As I work to better understand the different viewpoints on these questions and seek to discern God's will concerning these matters, I find that there are some things that I feel quite certain about. Sometimes it's common sense whispering in your ear, not Satan. And maybe, just maybe, sometimes when people spurn Christianity, it's because we suck at representing Christ as much as Satan is good at misleading people.

For Truth, Justice, and Cynicism

2004-11-12T15:07:00.000-07:00

Hello All. I have decided, after much deliberation, that it is time I started my own blog. The world needs me, and I can't hold back any more. I have my good friend gadget legs to thank for the inspiration. As I read her blog I couldn't help but think how wholesome and good natured it was. Sweet thoughts about friends and family, cute babies and all that is good in life. My super senses told me immediately that such heartwarming messages must be immediately responded to with healthy dose of cynicism. Although I must admit that I do appreciate babies. One of my favourite blogs belongs to Homey Bear, and features several amusing poo stories. And who creates more poo than babies? No one, that's who. I guess it's pretty much the only thing they're good for, so it's nice that they do it well. So thanks be to babies, and their amazing ability to convert useful substances such as mushed pees and dog hair into steaming piles of crap. For without them such amusing poo stories as Homie Bear's would not be possible. And I suppose this cynical diatribe would have had to viciously attack some other wholesome, heartwarming subject. Such as children's laughter, or family game nights. This concludes my first blog. It wasn't as hard as I thought, and I'm sure will win me much respect from my friends and especially my wife. Good bye all, for now. Up up and away, to higher heights of cynicism!